The following are some random thoughts I have about D/s. They deal much more with the psychological than the technical, and since we all seem to agree that the "true" interpretation of D/s is highly individual, then I would think they are as valid as anyone else's opinions. Also, they are not meant to be in any way "definitive". They are simply presented here as a statement of my own feelings and opinions and perhaps to stimulate discussion, since we all agree that discussion can only benefit us all. I hope you will read the following in the spirit in which it is offered.

"Chains of the Mind"

At its root, D/s is psychological. It happens mostly in the mind of the participants. The idea of "surrendering power" from oneself to someone else (or of "assuming power" over someone else) can be quite heady. But such "transferring of power" is almost completely voluntary, when viewed in the D/s context. It is, at its heart, a very subtle and intricate game which consenting people agree to participate in. It is also extremely delicate. When deeply engaged in a particular "scene" or "play session", there is nothing so shattering for the context as when the so-called "victim" breaks the shared and vulnerable emotions of the moment by stating "This is really stupid" (or something along that line.) Yet in a way, it is as if this statement (or its equivalent) is always lurking just under the surface, and remains unspoken only through the mutual consent of both (or in the case of groups, all) parties.

The question is why. Perhaps because as human beings we are highly driven by our sexuality, and even in so-called "vanilla" encounters give up that portion of our minds which can distract us with other random and un-sexually related thoughts. If you wish to test this theory, simply wait until you are deeply into a "play session" and casually inquire "By the way, did you remember to take the garbage out this morning?" and see what happens to the "feeling" of the "scene".

Looked at from this perspective, D/s play can actually be ranked among other meditative or "focus" techniques, particularly those utilized by various religions. In Zen, the object is to obtain "enlightenment"... an unspoken, unverbalizable understanding of something beyond the senses and organized thought. This is achieved by having the initiate concentrate on an unanswerable question, called a Koan, such as "Does a dog have Budda nature" or "What is the sound of the one hand". Clearly, to the rational mind, such a question is utter nonsense. But by focusing all of ones attention on attempting to find a rational, logical answer to this question (which is in actuality an utter impossibility) what the initiate is actually doing is meditating.

Meditation is nothing more than placing every conscious thought on a single point to the exclusion of every distraction. We have all done this at one time or another. Perhaps you have found yourself staring off into space, your mind wandering, totally oblivious to anything passing before your eyes or ears and not really "thinking" about anything at all, merely drifting. That, at its heart, is meditation.

In the Zen context, once the initiate has managed through long hours of relaxation and effort, to fix every thought on his unanswerable question so that anything that goes on around him is completely ignored, the Zen Master will recognize this and often strike the initiate across the back with a stick. The physical shock of this causes the focus to shatter and in that instant the initiate brushes against the "answer" that he has been seeking... an answer that can not be verbalized or communicated. At that moment, the initiate has touched "enlightenment".

In the Westernized religions, enlightenment is accomplished in a number of different ways (depending on the dogma of the particular sect). The Catholics use repetitious, elaborate ritual... the "Holy Rollers" of the Kentucky mountains use rhythmic chanting, dance and music. (Indeed, music in and of itself can have a "focusing" effect unrelated to any particular dogma or philosophy, piercing straight to the core of the bio-rhythms of the human body... heartbeat, and so on.) It is, in fact, not even necessary to utilize religion in any way to approach this realm. Runners do it chemically (by causing the release of endorphins into the brain). Drug users do it as well by altering their brain chemistry, though with often unpredictable and uncontrollable results.

All of these various techniques are merely different ways of achieving what is known as the "ecstatic state"... that place where the mind is completely focused on a single issue and the actual chemistry of the brain is altered. Another method of attaining this condition is through sex. In early Christian sects (during the first two centuries after the death of Christ), the organized ritual of a number of Christian sects involved orgies, and male semen was treated as a sacrament, "extracted" and consumed by the participants during "services".

Which brings us back to D/s. So-called "normal" or "vanilla" sexual encounters also produce their own version of the "ecstatic state". Even when one fantasizes about some event or person outside the present physical activities, that is a form of meditation. In the D/s context, this focus is much stronger. One reason is because of the voluntary exchange of power. The "sub" (sometimes enduring physical bondage which re-enforces the psychological understanding of "helplessness") abandons themselves to whatever events are occurring and the mind focuses on each individual touch and sensation (whatever the nature of that touch is gentle or harsh). The "Dom", on the other hand, will focus "actively", concentrating on applying specific actions or event, in an attempt to solicit a favorable response from the "victim".

Such a response can be moans of pleasure, cries of orgasm or screams of pain, depending upon the particular tastes of the Dom. Participants in D/s "scenes" can, indeed, find themselves in a kind of psychological "lock", where their focus is so intense that they are unable to wrench themselves out of it. It is virtually hypnotic (hypnosis being merely a condition of extreme mental focus.) When the sub reaches this point they are said to have entered "sub-space", where they are no long capable of utilizing the conscience mind to "interpret" what is occurring physically. Instead, they merely absorb and "feel". The ability to consider "oh my, that feels pleasant" is no longer present, and physical sensation, whether pleasurable or painful is reduced to merely levels of intensity. It would be as if one had lost the ability to interpret whether a substance placed on the tongue was sugar or salt, but only that it was producing intense taste.

For this reason, subs who enter a "sub-space head" can endure a great deal more physical sensation than they can when not in that condition of extreme focus. A sub who would shy away from being whipped because of the sensation that the mind would normally interpret as "pain" can, when in "sub-space", be whipped mercilessly because pain and pleasure are no longer recognizable as individual and distinct but merely intense stimulation of the nervous system.

A Dom, on the other hand, rarely enters a state of mind equaling that of "sub-space". The nature of Domming during a scene requires that the Dom maintain enough exterior focus to be able to "observe" events and control them. Indeed, should a Dom "loose" himself utterly in the events of the scene extreme damage to the sub can occur without his knowing it. What the Dom enters is called a "Dom head", but it is a focus based on power, rather than physical sensation, very much like that achieved by the conductor of an orchestra during a particularly stirring piece of music. While not producing any of the sound himself, he nevertheless recognizes that he is the center of its existence (just as the Dom recognizes that he is the center of the subs pleasure) and as such, becomes a kind of "demi-God" of the moment... omnipotent and omnipresent. The existence of the subs pleasure is entirely in his hands, and he can manipulate not only her physical body but her thoughts and feelings as well.

For this reason it is quite normal for a Dom, during intense "play" to be unable to sustain an erection. His thoughts and focus are directed not towards his own physical pleasure but toward that of the sub, and his awareness is not on his own body but hers, sometimes to the extent that he can sense what she is feeling as if it were occurring to him.

D/s in Play and Out:

Because D/s is psychological, it lends itself to moving into the daily, non-sexual areas of life much more than "vanilla" sexuality. "Vanilla" sexuality, is generally restricted to areas relating strictly to sex, even when outside an actual sexual encounter. "Attraction", "flirtation", "anticipation" and other "connections" between vanilla partners all tend to have a physical, sexual effect... the woman lubricates vaginally, the man obtains an erection.

D/s, however, being based on the exchange of power, can occur in completely non-sexual ways. A Dom walking down the street with his sub can suddenly stop, turn his sub to face him, look into her eyes and say "Who owns you." The effect of this may produce vaginal lubrication in the sub, particularly if she mentally relates it to some memory of intense play, but it is not at all necessary for it to do so. Instead the effect may be for her to instantly feel the Doms' power over her and find herself snapping into a mild form of "sub-space" totally unrelated to any physical stimulation whatsoever.

Some Doms can utilize this "power" over the sub for playful purposes, such as causing the sub to orgasm merely based on his spoken command. Depending on the level of control she surrenders to him, (and therefore the level of "focus" she is able to achieve based on his "power" over her) he can control her mind to the point that physical reactions which are normally not voluntary (such as heart rate and control of certain muscle groups) can be manipulated through verbal command. When he tells her to orgasm, her mind, focusing on him, directs certain centers of her brain to produce the effects that would occur during orgasm.

But outside of such sexually related events, there is a strong element in D/s of purely spiritual connection. Certain Christian sects call this the "Grace of God"... an on-going feeling of well being and peace which is unrelated to any direct meditation. For the sub this can produce a feeling of calm, a sort of "protective blanket" when in the presence of the Dom. For the Dom, it can provide an on-going sense of power or authority. Neither may be actually physically or sexually stimulated at that moment, but the psychological effect can be very intense, and indeed, one of the main attractions of the D/s lifestyle (as opposed to utilizing D/s only within "scenes") is to obtain and maintain this on-going, constant and daily sense of "well-being".

For that reason, many couples live a D/s lifestyle 24/7 (twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week) and this situation has been much misinterpreted by those with little understanding of D/s. They seem to assume that it means the sub is kept constantly naked, constantly kneeling or constantly tied up, when in fact such actions and events are only a temporary, occasional physical manifestation of the psychological connection between them.

"Vanilla" people, hearing that a couple are living the "D/s lifestyle" seem to automatically get mental images of constant, unending sex play and this gets interpreted as "perverse" (or at least participating in an "unbalanced lifestyle" whose focus is on sex, sex and more sex.) In actuality, a D/s lifestyle may contain no more actual sexual activity than a "vanilla" lifestyle... but is only different in the level of spiritual, psychological and mental connection between the partners.

In fact, a D/s couple will "know each other" to a far deeper extent than a "vanilla" couple are even capable of conceiving. Even in a "vanilla" marriage, the couple retain a great deal of themselves which they do not share with their partner... secret thoughts, feelings, fears and ideas which are kept strictly within themselves. In a D/s relationship, because of the exchange of power occurring on a psychological level the sub retains no secrets from the Dom. Even if something is as yet unstated verbally, it is not in any way "hidden" from the Dom... merely not yet explored. And because the surrender is so deep and so intimate, the concept of keeping things "hidden" is rendered a bit ridiculous, since areas far deeper have already been plumbed and shared.

Therefore the level of honesty between a D/s couple and the depth of understanding between them on levels psychological, spiritual, emotional and physical can appear utterly alien to those who have no concept of D/s. They appear, to those outside the "lifestyle" to be possessors of some dark, secret knowledge, and that tends to frighten the "uninitiated".

In fact, they merely recognize and understand a different and much deeper "connection" with another human being because they have opened themselves to experiencing it when "vanilla" individuals have not.

D/s - Fact and Fiction

As an author of D/s erotica, I have come to recognize how such writings can be mis-viewed by those who have only a cursory understanding of D/s and what it truly entails. D/s erotic fiction, by it's very nature, serves a single purpose... to appeal to the sexual fantasies of the reader. As such, it focuses strictly on those actions and events which produce sexual mental images. There is, of course, nothing at all wrong with this, just as there is nothing at all wrong with someone writing a book of nothing but baseball statistics to appeal to "hardcore" baseball fans. But just as someone who has never seen a baseball game, felt all its many aspects (mental, spiritual and emotional as well as statistical) might look at such a book and get entirely the wrong concept of what baseball is, so those "vanilla" people who read D/s erotic fiction and have never actually experienced D/s tend to get the wrong idea of just what D/s actually is.

They equate the fiction to "fact", and thus their only image of it is one of "perversity". This happens among two different groups... those who don't want anything to do with D/s and those who do. For those who don't want anything to do with D/s, there is little that can be done to alter their preconceptions. Since D/s (like meditation) is something that can not really be transmitted verbally and must be experienced to be truly understood, they will never open themselves to even attempting such an understanding and therefore will never "get it". All that can be done with such people is to smile pleasantly and not give them any reason to scream "child of Satan" in your face.

For those who would like to explore the world of D/s however, there is the need to "slow them down" and see that they approach it in the correct frame of mind. Just as a child, who may have a yearning to leap behind the wheel of a car and go blasting down the road at 90 miles an hour, should be prevented from doing so before they understand the step-by-step basics of steering, gas and brakes, so someone who is anxious to leap into the heady world of D/s should be prevented from getting a flogger in their hands before they understand what the purpose of such a device is and how to wield it properly and safely.

Perhaps a better analogy would be the world of martial arts. While it is extremely attractive to see someone leap into the air in an elaborate spin and deliver a crushing kick to the side of someone's head, such an action is possible only as the end result of long periods of physical conditioning, psychological, mental and spiritual training. Anyone who simply thinks such an action looks very attractive and attempts it without the "basis", might find themselves nursing a broken leg, or looking down at the shattered temple of someone they have accidentally killed without meaning to.

It is often very easy to recognize people who have little or no understanding of D/s (especially on-line), especially those who have consumed D/s erotic fiction and "gotten off" on it. They tend to come into a chat environment and (if pre-disposed to be "sub") immediately toss themselves at anyone whose "name" or "profile" denotes a position of "power"... or (if desiring to be "Dom") start IMing everyone with a variation of "sub" in their name, telling them to "kneel". Such individuals are already hopeless from the outset, and my personal feeling is that they can be safely challenged, insulted or ignored. Indeed, such behavior clearly indicates that they have no desire to truly understand what it is they are attempting to participate in, and it will usually take a major "disaster" to knock some sense into them.

There is, however, a second group which should be taken seriously. These are individuals who are just on the verge of a blossoming understanding of some inner desire or need for D/s, and they will more often approach hesitantly, and asking serious questions which genuinely deserve serious answers. Often such individuals have first encountered D/s in the form of D/s erotic fiction, and found that the fantasies and activities described therein have touched something deep within them much more strongly than "vanilla" erotica ever has. But their hesitation seems to come from the utterly "alien" nature of D/s as seen by "vanilla" individuals, much in the same way that Westerners would

look at the alien appearing activities of Buddhist priests.

This does not mean that D/s erotic fiction is wrong in any

sense. Only that it can present the wrong idea of what D/s is to those who have little or no understanding of it. Like any other aspect of life, a too narrow focus can lead to gross misconceptions.

This brings me to a good stopping place for this particular collection of thoughts. I hope it will stimulate some introspection of the part of the reader and lead to further discussion among those with a serious interest in the subject, lifestyle and realm of D/s.

The issue is how we, both as practitioners of the D/s lifestyle and as human beings in general, handle various situations which might be interpreted as conforming to circumstances relating to D/s, what about that situation would make it a "valid" D/s circumstance and what would take it outside the realm of true D/s. For this examination, I wanted to focus on a single example, and examine it from various angles.

SCENARIO:

Let us take a single "scenario"....

A young woman is kidnapped (by strangers), taken to a location with which she is unfamiliar, bound and subjected to extreme sexual usage.

This scenario is a common one often used in D/s erotic fiction. Essentially that usage provides merely the "shell" or "Frame" within which to describe, in narrative form, various specific acts of bondage and sex play. But let me now relate that simple scenario to various situations, real and fictional, and see which ones are true D/s situations and which are not.

FICTION:

In the above scenario, when used in a piece of erotic fiction, the intent and focus is on the fantasy element, the ultimate goal being to produce erotic mental imaging in which the reader can "relate" (or "sympathize") to one of the characters, either the "victim" or the "kidnapper". In essence, the reader imagines either themselves or someone they know in the place of one of the characters in the story.

Because the events described are completely fictional there are no bounds to the actions described. They can be completely outrageous and far beyond anything possible in the "real world", because the mind of the reader will produce the necessary details and "adjustments" which will allow them to accept the actions as, at least, "possible". Should the story describe the victim as being suspended, upside down, in a vat of cooking oil and enduring electric shocks, the mind of the reader can easily overlook the possibilities of drowning and electrocution and focus instead on the erotic elements of that circumstance.

Almost everyone is sexually stimulated by erotic fiction of one kind or another. It is when the actions described in such fiction enter the realm of D/s or S&M that things become a bit more complicated. One of the dangers of such erotic fiction is the way it effects those people who may find such things stimulating, but have no understanding of the true nature of D/s, the danger being that they will assume that such scenarios are, in fact, the essence or "base" of D/s rather than recognizing that what they are seeing is merely a piece of fiction intended strictly for the focused entertainment and stimulation of the reader. It would be very much like assuming that a piece of cake (whether it be chocolate, angel food or cherry-cheese) represented all there was to the realm of "food". And, should a person then attempt to act upon such fictional scenarios, taking steps to bring them into reality in some form, the situation becomes dangerous (as will be discussed below.) Another bad effect of such fiction is how it is viewed by those people who have no understanding of the true nature of D/s, though who are unlikely to find such stories arousing or stimulating. As I mentioned in my other essay, it would be as if those people were to watch a martial arts film and assume that what they are seeing and hearing are the "truth" of karate or kung fu, and represent the actual effects and actions which occur when such techniques are used. If they should take the time to attend at a real "dojo" (martial arts school) and watch a real martial arts "bout", they would quickly see that the reality is quite different from the enhanced, fictionalized presentation they've witnessed in a movie theatre. For those people whose only contact with D/s is through such fictional presentations, the view they obtain is highly distorted. Because the attempt of fiction is to focus on stimulating the reader, the actions and situations described tend to concentrate on those moments which are, by their nature, most stimulating. The effect is to present an image of D/s as concentrating on sexual acts to the exclusion of almost everything else, and uninitiated readers would be quite justified in interpreting this as meaning that parishioners of D/s are constantly consumed with nothing but sex, sex and more sex twenty-four hours a day.... in short, that we are "perverts".

It is, in fact, very similar to the way the "straight" world thinks of and relates to the "gay" world. Not having any basis for understanding the intricacies of the entire lifestyle, they see only those portions of it which are most readily obvious (the actual sexual ones) and assume that those are the entire focus of the lifestyle. But because the other aspects of D/s are so subtle (the mental and emotional "domination" and "submission") they are often difficult to understand and therefore to explain, making a transmission of understanding to the "uninitiated" difficult if not impossible, especially in any easily digestible or "capsulated" form.

FANTASY:

The above described scenario (the kidnapping) is in fact a rather common sexual fantasy of most people. Because we all have a tiny kernel of submissiveness or Dominance within us, (whether or not we practice the lifestyle) we sometimes like to stimulate it through fantasization. I would hazard a guess that virtually every woman has, at one time or another, fantasized about just such a scenario... being suddenly abducted by (handsome, naturally) strangers and utilized as a sexual object up to and beyond the limits of her previous experience. And I would also think that most men have fantasized about taking possession of a woman in circumstances where she can make no refusal toward anything he wishes to practice upon her. I would even guess that most people have placed themselves in both roles in such fantasies (as both "kidnapper" and "victim") at one time or another.

The obvious advantage of such fantasies is that they can be utterly and completely controlled and any elements which do not directly lend themselves to sexual stimulation while forming the images can be eliminated. In a fantasy, no one smells bad... no one is "unattractive"... no one performs any action which the fantasizer would not find sexually stimulating. And, above all, the fantasizer is completely safe at all times... no harm whatsoever can come to them because no actual physical actions are occurring.

We utilize fantasy as a sexual "tool", and such scenarios are merely a different size wrench plucked from the toolbox of our imaginations, whose task is to stimulate us. I would even hazard to guess that completely "vanilla" individuals have utilized just such kidnapping fantasies in order to achieve sexual arousal, but with the difference that because they "view" them in isolation (with no connection to the emotional, spiritual or psychological elements of D/s) they would tend to be made slightly uncomfortable with any serious consideration of translating them to "reality". So long as they remain a deep, dark, "wicked", private, secret desire, they are safe and harmless. Once they take on even the hint of a possibility of entering the "real world", they become evil and perverse.

REALITY:

The above scenarios is, of course, easily translated into reality, and is sometimes actually "acted out" in various circumstances. But it is the conditions and circumstances under which that scenario becomes reality that dictates whether or not is could be said to fall into the realm of D/s. Let us look at a few different circumstances as applied to that scenario and attempt to determine whether or not those circumstances place the actual physicalization of the scenario inside or outside D/s.

1. The "victim" knows the "kidnapper(s)" and both have discussed and consented to acting out the specific scenario, in various levels of detail as to what will and will not occur. Clearly this is a D/s situation. All parties are aware of what will and will not happen, have discussed and consented to it and understand that it will be for purposes of "acting out" a fantasy only. The one missing element is the "unknown", since everything is clearly spelled out before any action takes place.

This is nothing more than a "game", and would depend on all parties "suspending disbelief" while it is in progress for it to be at all successful.

2. The "victim" knows the "kidnapper(s)" and has a level of trust in them, but the actual scenario comes as a complete surprise with no prior discussion or preparation on the part of the "victim", although some general discussion of a circumstance like the kidnapping has taken place and agreed to.

This may be a D/s situation, depending on the level of trust which the "victim" has in the "kidnapper(s)". If they have established a pattern of such "surprises" in the past and the "victim" is able to recognize the onset of this scenario as another such circumstance, and does not utilize as "safeword" or other genuine attempt to stop it, but with the understanding that they can end it at any time, then it would be a D/s situation.

However, if this represents "new" behavior, a new "realm" or if the "victim" does not understand that they can end the scenario at will, then the interpretation of it as a D/s scenario becomes more cloudy. What is essential is that the victim feel that their well-being is protected, either by the presence of a trusted Dom or by having a measure of control over the situation themselves.

There are those D/s relationships which are labeled "Master/slave" in which the "slave" does not possess the ability to halt or terminate scenarios that the Master perpetrates. If that is the nature of the relationship, then this circumstance could still be considered a valid D/s scenario.

3. The "victim" does not know the "kidnapper(s)" but has been given some sort of prior warning by or consent to a Dom that they implicitly trust to an extraordinary degree, and have agreed that the scenario or something similar to the scenario can take place.

Again, this is a D/s situation. The added element of "strangers" to the scenario can be quite stimulating, even if that element is only imaginary... (i.e., the "victim" is deprived of the ability to identify the "kidnapper(s)" through masking of one form or another, but in fact knows and perhaps has had prior "play" with them.) So long as the "victim" retains a sense of safety (usually based on a deep trust in the Dom as well as having given consent or implicit consent that the scenario or something similar can take place) the scenario can be considered a D/s situation.

4. The "victim" does or does not know the "kidnapper(s)", has been given no prior warning and has NOT expressed any consent, but such scenarios have occured between them in the past or there is a mutual understanding that such scenarios are possible.

This is a "borderline" situation. The only possible circumstance which would keep this from becoming a clearly criminal situation would be a well established pattern between the "victim" and at least the controller of the circumstances that such "surprise" scenarios are generally allowed. The specifics of this scenario need not be discussed or even imagined by the "victim". So long as the "victim" and the controller of the circumstances have agreed in general that such scenarios can transpire, then it falls within the realm of D/s. The added stimulation of the "spontaneous" nature of the scenario can even be quite attractive to certain individuals. But again, the over-all reality would also contain the assurance that no matter what the "victim" assumes while the scenario is transpiring, they are in fact "perfectly safe".

5. The "victim" does or does not know the "kidnapper(s)", has been given no prior warning, has NOT expressed any consent and has no pattern of such activities.

This is, unquestionably, NOT a D/s situation. THIS IS A CRIMINAL ACT. (A number of criminal acts, in fact, at least one of which is a Federal crime punishable by life imprisonment.) In this circumstance there is no consent (expressed or implied), no "assurance" for the "victim" that their safety will be looked after, and no sense that they can control the situation through the use of a "safeword" or other "scenario stopping" device.

No individual who is truly involved in a D/s lifestyle would ever dream of participating in or agreeing to perpetrate such a scenario under these circumstances. Amazingly, it is exactly this set of circumstances which are generally used in fictionalized accounts of such scenarios. The victim is truly helpless, truly without any consent or control, and truly at the utter mercy of the kidnappers. And yet, for those who have no understanding of the true nature of D/s, this is what they see of it when they read D/s erotic fiction. Is it any wonder, then, that they are shocked and appalled by such "activities"? What they do not understand is that true parishioners of D/s lifestyle would no more consider or consent to such circumstances than they. And this is the major dilemma...how to get the "Vanilla" world to see and understand that we are not so different from them in our thoughts and feelings about what constitutes "play" and what is "criminal", when the only information they have about D/s is based on such fictionalized writings. Unless they are willing to extend an interest and attempt an understanding for our point of view, I fear such "concord" will remain impossible.

As you can see, the same scenario, with only minor and subtle variations in the overall circumstances under which it is acted out, can be either a mutually pleasurable event, or an unquestionable criminal act. And, hopefully, this example demonstrates the utter necessity for a complete, in depth understanding between all parties when it comes to the acting out of D/s "play" or "scenes".

The ultimate object of D/s is the mutual pleasure of both the "controller" and the "controlled". Anything which diminishes or interferes with that pleasure, whether it is an action which in not pleasurable or a state of mind which prevents the enjoyment of that pleasure is to be avoided at all costs.

Copyright PoeticMstr